Discovering that a child is self-harming is a terrifying experience for a parent or guardian. Self-harm feels serious because it is serious. People who self-harm are at increased risk for attempting suicide.
One 2013 study found that self-harming behavior prior to suicidal behavior serves as a gateway behavior for suicide. The study authors also concluded that self-harming behaviors may reduce inhibition through habituation to self-injury.” What’s more, repeated self-harm can lead to severe injuries, scarring, and accidental death. Your reaction as a parental figure can play an important role in helping a child to move past self-harm. While the discovery that a child is self-harming can feel overwhelming, knowing the basics of self-harm can help you to have a calm, useful response. Take a look at what the child in your life needs you to know about self-harm.
What Is Self-Harm?
Self-harm is a coping mechanism for dealing with distressing, overwhelming emotions and experiences. However, people who engage in self-harm often have different motivations and experiences. Some people find comfort in self-harm because it provides a distracting, numbing effect against intense thoughts, feelings, and memories. Self-harm can provide a “release” that allows a person to temporarily escape the pain and tension they feel. For other people, the “rush” that comes from self-harm allows them to finally feel something after being numb for so long.
What Are Common Forms of Self-Harm?
Not every child carries out self-harm in the same way. What’s more, a child may actually shift between different forms of self-harm due to desensitization, curiosity, or a need for discreteness. When cutting, the tools that kids use to self-harm can include kitchen knives, pocket knives, sewing needles, razor blades, and pen caps. Some will even use their own fingernails to inflict pain. Self-harm can also be performed through hair pulling, inserting objects into the body, skin picking, burns, banging a head against the wall, or hitting oneself.
What Are the Signs My Child Is Engaging in Self-Harm?
First, it’s important to say that you shouldn’t lead with an accusation if you believe that your child is engaging in self-harm. Being accused of self-harming can be a shameful experience that causes a child to retreat even further into secrecy. Counseling may be the answer for addressing self-harm if telltale signs are present. Some of the most common signs that a child is self-harming include:
● Suspicious scars. A child may have “excuses” about being clumsy while shaving, playing
with a friend’s cat, or falling off a bike to explain scars.
● Recurring wounds that don’t seem to heal.
● Frequent talk about self-injury.
● Collecting sharp objects in their rooms.
● Constantly wearing long sleeves and pants in hot weather.
● Refusing to roll up their sleeves when washing their hands, doing dishes, or brushing
their teeth.
● Wearing many bandages.
● Isolation.
● Secrecy.
Self-harm should be considered a sign that a person is in deep distress. While you may not want to shame or embarrass a child with a big confrontation, it’s important to address the problem. The elevated suicide risk that accompanies self-harm makes seeking professional help vital.
How Can I Help My Child Stop Self-Harming Behaviors?
Grounding, punishing, or yelling at a child in response to self-harming behaviors is likely to increase their urge to isolate. It’s important to open up the lines of communication to let your child know that you can be a resource for them when the urge to self-harm strikes. Here’s a look at some healthy ways parents can provide support to children engaging in self-harm:
While you may feel shocked and overwhelmed by the discovery that your child is
harming their body, it’s important to remain calm and nonjudgmental whenever the topic
is being discussed.
● Help your child create a list of “safe” people to call or text when they feel the urge to
self-harm.
● If your child has a rigorous, high-pressure schedule that leaves them without much free
time, consider making some adjustments. Research confirms a link between stress and
teenagers and self-harm.
● Help your child to make a list of triggers that cause them to want to self-harm. In addition
to helping your child make important connections regarding stressors, this list can serve
as a practical roadmap for avoiding triggers.
● Ask your child what you can do to help them feel safer.
● Let the school counselor know about the behaviors.
Breaking the cycle of adolescent self-harm is not easy. As a parent, it’s important to be patient when it can feel like the situation is taking two steps back for every one step forward. Please know that your child isn’t engaging in self-harm to hurt, shock, or worry you. For your teen, self-harm is like a security blanket that helps them to feel temporarily insulated from the stress, fear, and discomfort of life. This is why professional help is so crucial for helping your child to break the cycle of self-harm using positive coping strategies for handling hard, strong feelings. Cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, and other resources can help kids to replace self-injurious thoughts and behaviors. It’s no exaggeration to say that access to professional resources can save a life.